While growing up, we’ve all made excuses for our inappropriate behaviours and choices. But as mature adults, some of us continue to blame other people or circumstances as a way to avoid accepting responsibility and moving forward with our recoveries.
“It’s not my fault.” “Billy made me do it.” “It’s not fair.” When a teenager’s mother discovered marijuana in his jacket, he immediately used those excuses in an attempt to avoid the punishment he thought was coming. His parents contacted their church to get information about a Christ-centered recovery program for teenagers called “Life Hurts, God, Heals.” The teenager didn’t want to go; it wasn’t “cool,” he would feel “alone,” and “no one would understand.” At his parents’ insistence, he reluctantly attended his first meeting. He was surprised to find that some of the adults leading the program had smoked marijuana in their youth, while others had struggled with alcohol. Some of the other young people had experimented with marijuana and other drugs, starved themselves, cut themselves or struck out at loved ones in anger. He realized he was not alone. Others understood. A few months later, the young man began to encourage some of his friends to join him in order to deal with their hurts, hang-ups and habits.
There are many things, however, that happen to us that we are not responsible for. We are not responsible for an alcoholic parent, the divorce of our parents or the sexual or physical abuse we may have endured. We are, however, responsible for our reactions to the traumatic events in our lives. We still need to seek help and be accountable to others for our behaviours.
We can get stuck in our recoveries when we can’t stop placing the blame on others who have hurt us. That is why it is so important to: “Evaluate all my relationships. Offer forgiveness to those who have hurt me and make amends for harm I’ve done to others, except when to do so would harm them or others.” Doing so frees us from the hold that someone’s hurtful behaviour has had on our lives.
If we keep going back to the “blame” or “excuse” game, we need to go back. A good way to see if we are still blaming others for our own poor choices is found in Psalm 139:23–24: “Search me, God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.” After we ask God to search our hearts, we need to allow time to hear his response.
We need to practice living Psalm 46:10: “Be still, and know that I am God.” Then we can hear God’s response. That verse tells us first to “be still.” We cannot hear God if we are busy, distracted or talking back to him. We hear God when we are quiet. Then we can hear his response to the request we asked of him in Psalm 139:23–24. He will show us if we are trying to always fix the blame on others for our actions or if we are accepting responsibility for them.
If we find that we are not accepting responsibility for our actions, that we are still blaming others for the way we misbehave today, we can rely on the second part of Psalm 46:10 for help: “ . . . and know that I am God.” God can and will help us take responsibility for our actions. He will give us the strength to face our part in a failing relationship. He will give us the courage to make things right with others we may have hurt. We will finally be able to break free from living in yesterday. We will be able to enjoy the blessings found in today.
Take a Look:
• Have you blamed those who have hurt you for the poor choices that you are making today?
• How have you learned to stop blaming others for your actions?
• What do the words found in Psalm 139:23–24 mean to you?
• How have you been able to do what Psalm 46:10 asks of you?
